I looked at myself in the mirror. Thinking to myself how I was before now. I used to take life for granted. I used to take snide comments to heart. I cried when I could not comprehend the cruelty in people. I thought always that I was the most unfortunate person. I cried till my eyes could summon the last of my tears. Till my eyes got tired of me. I stared at blank walls. Vandalized walls. Sometimes at blank space without walls. Then I realized that the walls were all in-built. The walls kept me from letting go. I finally broke the walls down. I let my past slip. Slip through the veils of my eyes. Through the shadows of my sadness,
And today the me in the mirror smiled at me.
It was at the old me.
Who was exiled to oblivion.
But I don’t feel lost.
I see you. I see how you hold onto him, how the fear glints in your eyes as you watch him with another woman. I see your clenched knuckles. Their top as white as the first snow. And your heart cold. But deep inside the warmth suffocating,striving to get out. I see the tears glinting in your eyes. You just hold them there. You give a smirk. Of pity, of anger of self – realization. But then you start fretting.. fretting over how your life will turn out to be.. without him… All your dreams were centered about him..around him.. If ever you saw a future for yourself… He dominated more than half of it. Now all you can see is a future filled with gloom, of holes, of starless endless darkness. You feel your heart wrench. You feel it break into a million pieces. And yet each piece seem to scream for him. You feel the urge to be with him. For once. For twice. A moment. You fight back your tears. Clench your fists and scowl at her. She who has him now. You wish she would die. You wish you could kill her. But is it what you really want? Will he be with you again even if there was no “her” anymore? Do you think that?
Ask yourself this… Why did you ever center your world around him? Around the two of you? You should have just let him orbit your world. Or let him be another continent , an ocean in your world. Not your world, one in his. Why did you stop living the moment you met him? Not that he is not yours anymore, you don’t see a point for it all.
Love is not giving up on life for someone. It is living it along with that someone. And once they are gone you will still possess yourself.You will still live. Vengeance is not a way to recover anything you’ve lost.
That would do nothing but drift you apart further.
Show him that you can live. Show him that you can’t be broken by leaving. Or that you are not meant to be anyone’s second choice. It is there loss, pity them, not yourself.
They say if you are meant to be , he will come back; but even then ask yourself “Do you want him back?”
You say you are confused now that he said he likes you. You couldn’t turn him down easy as you were afraid that it would break his heart. It made you feel guilty that saying no would ruin your friendship. Better yet, you say it’s weird that you are not completely sure if it is what you want. You turn to your friend and ask her what to do, ask her what you should tell him. But is it her place to tell you ? Will you be able to take her advice with a straight head and turn him down? It is boring to live a life when you are not infatuated with something. You feel as if your life is mundane. And then someone turns up throws several flattering lines, tries to win you over with all kinds of pick up lines and quoting songs you like. All of a sudden you feel good. At last someone pays attention to everything about you. You feel beautiful and most of all you feel a sense of being wanted. Once he confronts you, you are left to wonder if you wanted something more in life. You feel the urge to try new things in life. You are willing to alter your standards and take everything about him in if time allows. You want to get to know him better because you want to give him a chance to prove that you can rely on him. You feel as if, being independent and single is quite boring. You get tired of just hanging around with your girlfriends. You see the relationship of one of your best friends and you feel like you want something like that. And in the urge to get there, to feel it you just change the course of your journey and try to get to know a stranger better. But in love their should not be any confusion. It is either you say yes when he asks you out or say no. Because you feel it. You feel if you want to be with that guy or not in a moment. And always remember that it is your decision to make. Don’t decide for his sake. You’ve lived with all your innuendos for years and you are the only person who knows yourself the best. And not even your closest friends can read yourself for you. It is natural to fall for someone and natural to like someone. Falling and liking are not the same. They are two different extremes which people confuse as one. And that is fatal. Because love, is unconditional and uncompromising. You would not want to change anything about that person if you really like him. And if you are sure of yourself, and know that this is what you want, there is nothing wrong with flirting with him and slowly getting to know him your own way. It would be spontaneous as long as you don’t speed anything up. Let nature play its course. Let yourself grow with the feeling. But if you don’t see the possibilities of yourself being with a guy, just let him know plainly. It does not label you as a “heart breaker” but you will avoid a further more fatal heart break by hurting him a little. It would sting a bit, but it won’t be anything that will last. Do not ever consider hiding your feelings because you think it is hurtful, by doing that you are depriving yourself and the person of the truth. It is the worst kind of betrayal you can incur upon yourself. So just sit down. Listen to your favourite song. Think for a while what you actually want, don’t say that you are too confused to think. The answer to your confusion lies within you, you must only allow it to surface. Think about your goals , dreams , everything and anything you’ve ever wanted. Think if it is the time. Think if this is what you want. If the answer is yes. Follow you heart. Work with your heart. And for your heart. Because you of all people will never let yourself down.